Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
You Might Also Like
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I did not eat the cake…
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
then why did i get this email
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.