There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls