HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
*me flirting
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.