Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
You Might Also Like
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.