When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You Might Also Like
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback