[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Holy crap this is wonderful
*offers Batman cough drops*
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I