WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down