I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
You Might Also Like
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I am all good here, 😂😉
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!