I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
starting a garage orchestra
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.