I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?