I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE