Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Phones down.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.