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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I want to meet the individual who made this
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.