I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.