One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….