On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…