i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
translated into Canadian
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Cannot stop laughing at this
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.