[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell