I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC