If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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Ffs laughed out loud 😂
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens