how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!