God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.