*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Breaking news:
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Bless you
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
SCARY COSTUME
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Banking tips
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze