If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
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Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to