Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
You Might Also Like
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
finally
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Not today