[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]