I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid