I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.