Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.