GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
You Might Also Like
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.