My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.