The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
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did it work
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
when you don’t want to be too vague