4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
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me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.