I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
found this cool rock hiking today
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute