Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
A Short Story.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”