Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
You Might Also Like
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Oops I deleted….
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.