Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
i really liked this one
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
O Wise One….
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink