My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
notice
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Very good! 👍😂
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.