*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
No. YOU-buprofen.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
i meant to share this earlier
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend