When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Bill is short for Billiam
Simple enough.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I want this so bad
I mean…but I did
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]