Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Best spot.. 😅
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.