*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.