my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
mariah carrie
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.