if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)