This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Guys, I found it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”