Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
hear me out : pockets for your socks
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.