Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.