You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti