my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*