Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Life with a cat in one tweet
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.